english talking area :)

I wish I had died in 2015. It's so much easier to express these dark thoughts in a foreign language. It hurts so much less.

@james_brennan
Seems similar to me. But I think, that's due to me being way more skilled in English as a language meanwhile, and by that also in nailing down my thoughts using it.
I kind of see me being more dynamic trying to express myself through it.
Only too bad that sometimes there are no real counterparts to a German word or a German formulation, or they're dissatisfying.

I am too old for this shit. And yet, this shit is real.

wow

This day had been way too hot. You simply sweat yourself to death... Especially under your muzzle.

I am doomed to dream. And when one dream ends, I don't wake up to reality. I enter another dream. One dream is replaced by the other.

This false desire to write something profound, to be profound has silenced me for years. Yes, the desire to seem intelligent, at last to myself... Very delusional. A sweet illusion, as long as it lasts.
For a long time I've been living this illusion. I liked to think of myself as a lonesome misunderstood warrior-poet. (A poet who never writes a poem, after all.) If nobody understands me, at least I understand me, that was the idea. Loneliness was the price I paid, and it's probably the price I will be paying for the rest of my life.
This is how it feels when sweet turns to bitter...

I wish I had listened to this immense impulse of anger, this radical desire for change which I once had, but have no more. A physical desire, a destructive desire, to break things, to break this shell around me, the shell that protected but also imprisoned me, imprisons me to this day.

Whatever it was, it is gone, all is gone and lost.

I just shouldn't talk to humans. Humans and I don't get along. I just ruin everything. Always. They are untouchable. I am the problem. I am made to be hurt. Can't blame anyone for hurting me.
I am the problem.

An empty mind. Blank. Emotionally, I'm not present these days. Not addressable.

Mind is temporarily not available (like here) Tankist I guess?

Or u mean it in another way? aka numb inside?

nisma U are not a problem. The society is to often very disgusting.

Whenever I'm in such a state, it maybe matches the word "numb".

But I don't like to think in that as it doesn't appear like this to me.

I'm just like... not available. Don't try to ask me something important or get an important decision out of me, I won't be able to make it 'cause I'm not really present to think about it in-depth.

ok

The past is open like the sights in a dream. The future is like a chain of stones around my neck.